Ode to My Mother.......This is not pretty and sweet!!

Well since Mother's Day is upon us and the growing theme with bloggers is their mother, I thought I would just jump on the band wagon. My mother and I are sort of like Oil & Water at times, it is really a love/hate relationship. Now that I have moved away and I have my own things going on, things are better, however when I visit I have to really set time limits for us to be together or we fight, not like normal people, the claws come out. I have to give my mother a lot of credit now, and I have really come to appreciate her since I have had children of my own. I understand why some of the situations we have been in have happened in the first place. I was born to an alcoholic father and I am not sure what my mother was really doing at the time, I sort of don't ask, don't tell with her past. My father was very very abusive with her, even during her pregnancy with me. They split shortly after my birth but did not actually divorce until I was 3 or so. After their split, we moved in with my mom mom, which to this day she means the world to me and I would not have become half the person I am without her. I was mom-mom's princess, or so that it what I felt like, I have more memories of her at a young age than I do of my mother. My mom worked all of the time, she was a waitress and that meant she usuallly had the 2-10 shift. We lived in a duplex, my mom, mom-mom, and I on one side and my Aunt Carol, her husband at the time, and her stepson were on the other side, I was constantly surrounded by family. Every Saturday night my mom-mom and I would get dressed up and go to dinner with my pop-pop. (They were divorced at the time and still are but they live together once again.) My pop-pop owned a hotel in New Jersey, and it had a dining room, bar, and coffee shop. We would always go to the dining room and my mom worked in the coffee shop so I always got to see her on the Saturday nights. As I grew older, I remember getting off the bus and my mom jetting out the door to work. I mean she had to work, she wasnt getting money from my father. But mom-mom saw to it that I was well taken care of, I was always dressed nice and taught how to act properly. When I was 7 my father remarried and my mom met a man from Alabama, he was an antique dealer that had come north for the antique auctions. I guess they had been together since I was 4 or so but it was like an every 2 week thing that is when he made the trip north. Well at 7 my mother decided to leave her life in New Jersey for her love in Alabama, so we packed it all an moved. She took me away from all that I had known. I had a lot of huge adjustments to go through at that age, my mom-mom was now 1000 miles away and I didn't get to see her or any other family for that fact except for holidays. Well once in Alabama, I do not think my mother really had a clue of what to do with a 7 year old girl full time. She never went back to work, well she did but she worked at her boyfriends antique auction, so she was always around. I was grateful, I was not a latchkey kid. Things got hard for me very quickly, all of a sudden I was expected to say yes mam, no mam, yes sir, no sir. I could no longer sleep with my mom. And of all things when I got in trouble I got hit with a belt. All in the true southern way. My mom basically pawned me off on the new man in her life for the discipline aspect of my life. It is funny how in my mind I remember all of the discipline, I think that is why I do not want to hit or discipline my kids now for fear of repeating the cycle. Was I abused? I really do not know, I would like to say that I was just for a reason. Well they got married 2 years later when I was almost 9. They are still married, he has always been the strict on with me, I think I was more or less a thorn in his side for many years. I always rebelled against his rules and punishments. But back to my mother, she always had an anger problem. My favorite saying of her, " You better shut up before I knock you through the F******* wall." I saw no wrong with this until I was in my teens. She never did knock me through the wall, she hit me many times. But to this day she is still a very angry person even if she wants to admit and accept it or not. When I was 10 my mother gave birth to my brother, he was the apple of everyones eye, including my stepfather's so of course I resented this child, then 16 months later, another brother. Arg...what where they thinking??? My youngest brother was basically put on the back burner for a lot of things, he was always content with himself. The other brother need the attention and even today on his 17th birthday he needs the attention on him still. But he is growing and maturing nicely now. But back to my mother again!! Since the birth of my son Dylan 7 years ago, he has been the apple of her eye and she has been a better grandmother to him than I could have ever imagined. She has never harmed him or yelled for that fact. I think my mother is now playing the role in his life that my mom-mom played in my life. My stepfather is uber laid back now, never yells at my brothers or hits them, that became my mothers job since he traveled all of the time up until 4 years ago when the business went under and they had to file for bankruptcy. My mother and I have aruged many times over all of our relationships and I have so many "Why" questions. But all I can walk away with is that the person I am today is a result of the childhood that I had, she apologized all of the time for being the way she was and my stepfather is too stubborn so we just keep our distance. I am bitter, very bitter. About a year ago my mom told me that when she left New Jersey, she wanted to send me back because I was not happy in Alabama. I often wonder what my life would have been like? I am sure I would not have ended up being as strong as I am. I have learned through my parents mistakes, I know what I do not want my kids to go through. I also feel that my parents learned through their mistakes with me. Sure raising me was not a walk in the park but what kid is. Recently she has found church and God and I think that it has done her a world of good, she is trying to be a better person and she is succeeding at it very well. So has my stepfather. But I think that you have to truly become a parent to understand the trials and tribulations of your parents. Sure I wrote about my Dylan and his problems but I am looking for the cure and the answer rather than beat it out of him. I do love him and I show it to him everyday in some form or fashion. My kids are my life and I want them to grow up having had a healthy life. One full of good memories and experiences. I hope that they will learn from my mistakes. So one the eve of this Mother's Day 2006 I am thinking of all my fellow mothers young and old. Love to you all for what you have done for your children. No my story may not be the prettiest or best memory but it is mine and it made me who I am and I think now that I have got through it I would not really change it. I am who I am for a reason!!!

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~Rajneesh